Ambivalence

Current mood: Ambivalent

I always hear that the best writers write about what they know and their experiences. Unfortunately, I don't think twenty-two years of living have provided me with as much knowledge or experiences has I would like. I mean, don't get me wrong, I can discuss string theory or recognize the motifs and themes from any John Steinbeck book, but to assume that I have learned an adequate amount of life lessons to decide that what I believe is "absolute truth" is actually very far-flung from the truth.

After staring at my computer screen for hours, trying to compile a sincere belief from my thoughts, I realized that I really like the word "Ambivalence". The most important decisions are not decided recklessly but happen rather as a ongoing process while balancing between both sides. I won't denounce ambivalence or pass it off as simple uncertainty. Instead, I'll use it as an advantage. Ambivalence is useful when I'm buying stuff, for instance it helps me decide if the latest new expensive gadget is truly worth the money. Unfortunately, it creates a difficult situation in class when I'm deciding which multiple choice answer is right… But in general, it has allowed me to make choices that I am proud of.

There is no trophy for the student who can figure out how they are going to live the rest of their life the quickest. The last few years or so have been a bumpy road of friends and family pressuring me to decide on a major, a career, relationships, a life for myself. I would fly through ideas like flicking through the pages of a catalogue.

So many things sounded interesting but nothing completely fit me. I became a second guesser, which led everybody to think that I was incapable of figuring anything out. Being extremely indecisive is not the best quality to have. It's not like it's a puzzle in which I couldn't piece together, it was as if I just needed more time to think about everything. Unfortunately, college procedure doesn't wait for anybody and I made a few dumb decisions. I've also made an attempt to leave myself plenty of opportunities to change my mind. I think there's no reason for you to feel stuck in a decision that you've made for yourself.

Ambivalence has taught me to acknowledge my regular change of mind. Ambivalence makes use of doubt to its advantages and forces me to really search my thoughts for what feels right. I encourage every person to acknowledge his or her ambivalent qualities. Maybe we shouldn't push the thoughts of sadness with a life decision to the back of our heads. Instead we should embrace these thoughts because they have the ability to free us and allow us to achieve what we feel is most important at the time. Ambivalence can let me live my life day by day instead of feeling stuck in the choices I make.